My Blog

When I was in high school I worked at a one of a small East coast chain of restaurants called Steak 'n Shake. They sell overpriced-but-delicious burgers and hand-dipped milkshakes. I got promoted after graduating and during college to a management position there and often had to handle customer service issues. If you understand the way this chain does business than this is very common as Steak 'n Shake is not well managed as a company.

Anyways, one of our (the management team's) favorite scams was what I will now call the White Trash Free Meal. The area of Ohio I lived in (Hamilton, if you're curious) was a cesspit caught between hardcore 'country' and trailer trash hell. Mixed in along with it was a healthy dose of the ghetto. All these people would mix and reproduce to make little redneck/trailer trash ghetto babies. It was the worst city I've ever seen and the only reason I still go back there is because my best friend lives just outside the city limits.

The way the scam usually worked was this: First, I would get a phone call from someone wanting to speak to a manager. Of course, that was me.

ME: "Thank you for choosing Steak 'n Shake this is XXXX, how may I help you?"
YOKEL (in a horrendous southern drawl): "Hi thar. Is thar a manager in thar I can talk tew?"
ME: "Speaking, sir. What can I do for you?"
YOKEL: "I went through your drive thru about a week ago and my order was completely messed up. Thar was mustard on my all my burgers and we didn't order that. My shakes were all melted and I got strawberry when I ordered choc-co-late. On top of that all my fries were cold."

By now, I could usually see where this was going. Anyone calling who said they got a jacked up order on some other day was usually a scammer. This sends up a red flag to me automatically. These people usually know the common screw ups on orders as they eat there a lot. However, there is still a possibility that this is a legitimate mistake on our part, so I must proceed with caution. My mind flashes with possibilities...

The drive through operator had probably assumed that when the customer said everything, they meant it. We had an Everything button and the operator probably skipped that and went down the list of burger toppings, tapping every one including mustard. The everything button was a misnomer: everything only consisted of lettuce, pickles, onion and mayo - no mustard or tomatoes.

Our shakes were hand dipped and sometimes the fountain operator would add a little too much milk to the mixture and the shake would appear to be thin or melty. There was also the possibility that the drive thru operator kept the shakes a little bit too close to the food warmer where completed orders sit before they go out.

The fries we served were impossible to keep warm. They were these shoestring fries that were about the diameter of a mechanical pencil. They were nice in that they cooked in two and a half minutes but they had to be served almost immediately because they dissipated heat so fast due to their small size. The customer may have gotten old fries or may have simply *driven home* before he ate his meal. All this runs through my mind in a heartbeat.

ME: "I'm very sorry about that, sir. Do you still have your reciept?"

Of course, I already know the answer to this question before I ask it: They never have a reciept. We usually give the customer the benefit of the doubt here because the restaurant was perpetually understaffed and we're always having to run around like chickens with our heads cut off just to stem the goddamn tide. If a customer didn't have a reciept, there was a good chance we fucked up and didn't give them one. I always assume this.

YOKEL: "Naw, I didn't git one." or "I threw it out. The whole meal was trash."

I take a deep breath. They fit the profile so far - he didn't have a reciept, he didn't come through today and his entire order was, according to him, all jacked up. Let's see if they pass the next test:

ME: "What was your order?"

Fire away. I might as well have said "Can I take your free order?"

YOKEL: "We 'ad four double bacon cheese steakburgers with everythang, four large fries and four large chocolate shakes."

Scam. A thirty dollar order. This asshat wanted to feed his whole family on the company's dime under the thin verneer of being a bilked customer. If the guy had said only one his burgers was messed up or only his shakes were melted then I would have had to play ball. I didn't have a problem correcting the odd mistake when we had legitimately screwed up. I usually toss a free shake their way along with replacing whatever we had messed up. Realistically speaking, if he had tried to scam a smaller order then I would have had to give it to him. However, I had zero tolerance for *this* kind of shit.

ME: "Okay, what would you like us to do about this?"
YOKEL: "Well, I want my order replaced. Tha whole thing was all messed up 'an we had tew throw it away."

Of course he does. But I have no intention of giving this jackhole a free ride on my watch. I would play the oldest card in my deck: the reciept.

ME: "Sir, I'm afraid that without a receipt I can't replace your order. I'd be happy to send a free shake your way for your trouble the next time you roll through. Can I get your name?"
YOKEL (now becoming indignant): "Well that's not 'far. I wanna speak to your boss right now."

At this point, if someone who outranked me was around, I handed the phone off to him. Our boss, Dave, had been a former high ranking executive of Frisch's (better known as Big Boy's) and was working the store manager beat to "prove his worth" to the top brass before he was given a middle management position. The guy had worked his way up from dishwasher to VP of Sales. He had a way of handling these kinds of fucktards that was beyond me. But if Dave wasn't there...

ME: "I'm sorry but he's not here right now but I'll do my best to service you."
YOKEL: "This is rediculous. I want my meal replaced right now! I paid my hard earned money for your overpriced burgers and you can't even get them right. [etc etc etc]"
ME: "As I said before, sir, I'm very sorry that this happened to you but I cannot replace your meal without a reciept to back me up. I'd get into trouble."

This is a lie but he doesn't know that. I had the power to comp (verb: complementary meal) any check I wanted to. However, it would show up as a comped check on the End of Day report the following day and I would have to answer for it. I wouldn't get into anything too serious unless there were consistent problems on my watch.

YOKEL: "[usual angry white trash routine]"
ME: "I'd be happy to help you out if you could find the reciept, sir. Otherwise there's nothing I can really do for you."
YOKEL: "[raises his voice and spits out the same bullshit about me, my mother, my restaurant, my crew, asks for my name, my boss' name, the number for the District Manager. The works.]"
ME: "[gives him the information]"
YOKEL: "Thanks fer nothing, asshole. You'll be lucky if you have your job next week." Click.

Sometimes they call and complain and sometimes they don't. Most of the time, they don't. If they do, then the company will usually smell through their bullshit and just send them some small token gift certificates to shut them up.

However, the situation changed a bit around a year later: We upgraded our computer Point of Sale system. Now, we had the capability to search ALL orders up to a month back. So, we back up to the reciept point...

ME: "That's fine. Can you tell me what day you came in and around what time?"
YOKEL: "[long pause]"

At this point, he already knows he's fucked.

YOKEL: "Uhhhh, I came in on [XDay] between [XTime] and [YTime]."
ME: "Alright, can you please hold on a moment while I review our records?"
YOKEL: "Sure."

With a spring in my step, I go back to our office and search up all the drive through orders around the time he specifies. As expected, there are no orders anywhere close to matching his fictional order.

ME: "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't find any record of your order. Are you sure of the day and time you came in?"
YOKEL: [now fumbling in the dark] "Uhh, it might have been [YDay]."
ME: "Okay, please hold while I check again."

There's still a slim chance that this could be legit, so I have to cover my bases. He also knows there's a slim chance that somebody put in an order similar to his fictional one if I check on a different day. Rarely, there is and I have to comp the order. But that's the minority of the time.

ME: "I'm sorry, sir, but I still can't find your check in our system."
YOKEL [becoming indignant again]: "Well, yer systim is wrong. I know I came through there. [etc etc]"
ME: "With all due respect, sir, our system does not 'lose' checks. All transactions are logged to our database."
YOKEL: "[reverts to same routine as above]"
ME: "Sir, I don't believe you came in here at all and are trying to scam a meal. I am reporting this as an annoyance call and I have your name and number on our CallerID. If you try to pull this again, I will call the police and have you arrested for petty fraud. Don't call here again."
YOKEL [as I hang up]: "[goes nuclear]" Click.

Later on, the scammers would get smarter and actually come through and pay for their order. Then they would call back with the same story a few days later and get the same thing again for free.

I hate the restaurant business and I especially hate Hamilton, Ohio. The moral of the story here, kids, is always be nice to your food service folks. Yes, there are those that are lazy sacks of shit and could care less about their jobs, however the vast majority of folks care about their work and take pride in it. They have to put up with more bullshit for less money than is reasonable or safe. Being considerate of them costs nothing compared to the immeasurable contribution you can give to their day by making them feel like real human beings instead of the doormats everyone else probably treats them like.

The end.